Carlin Tips

Humor quips to help you cope

Laughter is secret elixir for healthy aging

Positive attitude and humor are best prescriptions for happiness and longevity


I'm collecting funny outtakes that keep me buzzin' on the positive adventure across the laff-a-lot landscape of healthy aging fun and longevity. What makes you chuckle? Make your day funny and add to the LPMs - laughs per minute! The world needs to light(en) up. As comic George #Carlin quips from his home in a cloud - "Live, Love and Laugh!


Curtain Call
John "Boomer" Leighty
I saw George Burns perform live at a Lake Tahoe casino when he was pushing 100 – and he didn't miss a boomer beat. "I'm happy to be here," he said in a strong tenor voice, waving his trademark cigar and pausing to gaze deadpan over the ritzy showroom audience. "Hell, at my age, I'm happy to be anywhere!"

Sage Advice
George Carlin

"Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down."

robin williams with dog pug
Robin Williams and his rescued pug
Nanu - RIP
Robin Williams
"I have a gay rescue pug called Leonard, who I take for walks because I am very secure in my sexuality," Williams once said in an interview at his Marin County home. "He has a boyfriend and they are planning to adopt a Siamese kitten together. We're very modern."

Golden Rule
Actress Betty White
"All creatures must learn to coexist. That's why the brown bear and the field mouse can share their lives in harmony. Of course, they can't mate or the mice would explode."

Where's Granny? 
TV Show Host Ellen DeGeneres
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's 97 now, and we don't know where the hell she is."

Buddhist Tale
Ram Dass
Student of Zen asks Guru: "What happens after death?"
Guru: "I do not know."
Student: "How can that be. Are you not a Zen Master?"
Guru: "Yes, but not a dead Zen Master."

Philosopher Potion
Voltaire:
"The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease."

Folksy Fact
Will Rogers:
"We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress."

Trumped UP
Anon
When Putin and Trump met in Helsinki, they shook hands.
“I’m Vladimir Putin, president of Russia,” Putin said.
“I’m Donald J. Trump, president of the United States,” Trump replied.
“Oh,” said Putin, “what does the J stand for?”
“Jenius!” said Trump.

Success Credo
W. C. Fields
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."

Stay tuned for more jokes folks....

Famous Opening Lines